


you feel hopeless (like nothing can save you)

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Episode: s02e06 Iron Sisters, Gen, Heartbroken Simon, M/M, Maia is a good friend, Meta, Simon is Not Okay, What Have I Done, adding context to the Maia/Simon van scene, made you a sweater (fic more so) out of my own tears, vague happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 14:29:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10743597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: Simon is a ghost with a hollowed out reflection, it's not difficult to see.He's an open book with blood stained dog eared pages.He's thousands of words that have lost their way."They'll never understand what we go through just to get through the day," he says.





	you feel hopeless (like nothing can save you)

**Author's Note:**

> The betrayal, as Simon sees it, was doubled. He wanted to protect the downworld and it included Raphael. 
> 
> Raphael wanted to protect *him* from Camille. 
> 
> Love makes you stronger, makes you selfish.

 

 

* * *

_  
It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear you,_

_you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important,_

_that without them you feel like nothing._

_No one will ever understand how much it hurts._

_You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you._

_And when it’s over and it’s gone,_

_you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good._

* * *

 

 

 Simon isn't sure why he brings it up.

Maybe he needs the pain, maybe he can't stop replaying the last time he felt alive.

Maybe he needs one person in this world to be in his corner, to see him as he is rather than how he should be.  Simon is a ghost with a hollowed out reflection, it's not difficult to see. He's an open book with blood stained dog eared pages. He's thousands of words that have lost their way. 

 

"They'll never understand what we go through just to get through the day," he [says](https://woodenhallslikecaskets.tumblr.com/post/160007918077/they-dont-know-what-we-go-through-just-to-get). 

 

Clary still cannot grasp where she went wrong. She cannot see the cracks in him, the dark circles under his eyes. She doesn't give a damn about the fact that she put him in a situation where the fallout meant dying - death in every way but finality. The slow wreckage of life as he knew it began and ended with a contract and - ' _Simon, if you do this, you'll undo any progress we've made with the downworld.'_

What she meant was:  _'It's him or me. Pick a side.'_

Either way, he lost. 

But, if he could go back, he'd stop himself from running out that door - from burning the bridge he and Raphael had carefully constructed. My God, he would've crossed through the light and died with Raphael's name on his lips. It's too late to go back now. He carries guilt and regret, recycling them as anger. 

 

Maia scoffs. "Tell me about it."

 

Simon is bitter and no amount of time will ever heal these wounds. 

The heart as a home: the crumbling wall and blinding sunlight, Raphael hissing as he watches Simon demolish it. Their home as Raphael's heart, crumbling crumbling crumbling. He can't even bring himself to count freeing Camille as a victory. There is no glory in winning a war you were drafted into. 

He grips the van's steering wheel hard. The van is a strange and foreign object these days. It belongs to a Simon who never made it out of a dirt filled grave. He is not that person. He is not Raphael's anymore. He doesn't know who the hell he is.

 

"You know, just when I thought I was getting the hang of it, I sank to an all-time low," he confesses solemnly.

 

He hasn't even had this conversation with Clary. What does it say about a friendship when you can't even tell your own best friend that your fear about freeing her mother had nothing to do with her and everything to do with  _him?_  

_You don't._

You bottle it up far from the surface and allow it to fester. You go on loving a home with a locked door. 

 

Maia regards him from the passenger side. "What happened?" 

 

 

What he wants to say is this: 

_I fell in love and broke my own heart, thinking I was protecting his. I wanted to save the downworld and him._

           _The morning before...listen._

_ The morning before \-- _

_**He loved me**. _

 

His throat feels constricted and tight. Words fail him. He has died many deaths since that fateful day and each visit from Raphael is another pile of dirt over his head. The elder vampire is determined to make Simon feel as shitty as he does which is redundant because they're stuck in this hell together.

He tries to focus on the road ahead. _Keep driving, don't cry._ This is his life now --  _stay alive, don't cry._

In his head, a rapid montage: 

Raphael teasing him about training and using his more advanced skills to sneak up behind him. His arrogant smirk every single time.  

Raphael murmuring about how good Simon looks in  _his_ clothes, how well he fills them out.

The two of them sparring in the hotel gym and lasting a grand total of 2 minutes before Simon gets distracted.

The petty arguments over Simon not feeding enough and Raphael being a mother hen. 

The first night at DuMort - terrified and shaking like a leaf in his arms. 

_Raphael's hand on his thigh in the last few moments before the hurricane hit._

 

Maia smiles politely. Simon knows he's as transparent as he'll ever be and every bleeding wound is lit up like Christmas. They refuse to heal and every time he's in the same room with Raphael is just another band-aid being mercilessly peeled away. He's Atlas falling to his knees when the world is too much.

The worst part is knowing Raphael isn't angry, he's  _in pain._  Simon put that hurt in his eyes. 

 

"Oh so now you're quiet," she teases. 

 

He white knuckles the steering wheel. Everyone who has known him for longer than five minutes knows he never shuts up. He even talks in his sleep. It's when he  _stops_ talking that gives him away. If he speaks this horrible truth out loud, it'll be real and he's too far too raw to even utter Raphael's name.

But that's just as well. Everyone in the downworld knows about Raphael Santiago and his traitorous fledgling. They even know about the  _before._  

Oh, she thought, you're not ready to let him go. 

 

"Look, man, I've been through some pretty horrible things in my life. I get it," she adds. I see your struggle, I can see you. 

 

Horrible doesn't even begin to cover it but at least she recognizes the wounds the others don't even try to see.

He misses home, his mother, Raphael, the clan, sleeping in an actual bed. It's like he's screaming at the top of his lungs and no one looks up. He's _invisible_ to everyone but a beaten down and angry Raphael -- he almost wishes for the opposite. It's shameful, this. Loving someone enough to let it break you but he does and it is. It's strange how a heart that no longer beats can still break. 

This is grief and it's ugly. 

Grieving alone and in the dark day after day is about as low as he can get; not to mention lonely. God, there's so much rage and darkness in him that he can hardly contain it. Anger, he's heard, is a prominent stage of grief. There are five and he's stuck on that one in particular. If you can blame the person  _you_ broke, it's easier to get through the day.

Raphael is his emotional punching bag and vice versa. They hurt each other; this is what they're good at. 

 

Simon loosens up, grateful for a topic change. "Like what?" 

 

Maia decides to share an embarrassing story in hopes of making him smile.

 _Someone_ has to care enough to pull him out of the darkness before he begins to spiral. Tonight, that someone is her. She knows that helpless feeling when you've got no clan or pack to protect you from yourself. She's lived that life. Thankfully, Luke was kind enough to bring her back from the edge and for that - she's eternally grateful. 

"You know that nightmare where..." 

 

          Simon smiles and breathes a sigh of relief. 

* * *

 

 

Later, he texts Raphael.

 

 **Simon Lewis** (08:31 p.m.) >  **Raphael Santiago** :  _can we talk please? I miss you_

 **Raphael Santiago** (08:36 p.m.) >  **Simon Lewis** :  _Speak._

 **Simon Lewis** (08:37 p.m.) >  **Raphael Santiago** :  _can we meet somewhere??_

 **Raphael Santiago** (08:46 p.m.) >  **Simon Lewis** :  _Where are you right now?_

 **Simon Lewis** (08:47 p.m.) >  **Raphael Santiago** :  _luke's boathouse_

 **Raphael Santiago** (08:55 p.m.) >  **Simon Lewis** :  _I'll be there in five._

 

It's time to undo the damage and rebuild that bridge. 

* * *

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SO SORRY  
> (frantic Simon voice) I'M A MONSTER
> 
> (this episode has been haunting me and what they say in the fic is actually word for word from the show. go back and look at simon's expression when he talks about it - be sad with me)
> 
> that scene in particular because it's really revealing in that we get to see how simon really feels about losing the clan and raphael. we get to see the far away haunted look in his eyes that speaks louder than words
> 
> it gives us some context as to where he is emotionally every time he watches raphael walk away. before then we'd only witnessed his anger. his real feelings are: depressed af, heavy guilt, loneliness and heartbroken. he now realizes his sacrifice meant Nothing to the shadowhunters 
> 
> *ouch*
> 
> simon shows raphael that angry side because they're both aching and if one is going to hell they're gonna take the other down with them. throw all of this into the argument at magnus' loft and you can clearly see that their feelings are identical
> 
> also MAIA ROBERTS.  
> let me tell you about my girl  
> she's a badass with a heart of gold  
> when she see's someone hurting, she automatically lifts them UP instead of overriding their problems with her own *cough* clary fray  
> she's an overall intelligent, beautiful, caring person and deserves only the best 
> 
>  
> 
> ((throws heart in wood-chipper))  
> I don't need this


End file.
